by Nick Tarlowski

My old friend and musical mentor Paul posted about his recent vacation and his savvy food/lodging discoveries along the way. Although brief, it was a good read, and it made me start thinking about all the things I picked up over time from being on the road with a band.

Most of these little tips could be considered "ghetto," "trashy" or "cheap," from a vacationer's standpoint, but just remember that most of the "vacationing" I've done in my life has involved vans, trailers, bars, rock shows and very, very few amenities — all on a shoestring budget. Anyway, here we go:

Keepin' it cheap on the road

1: Buy a Turbo Chug: Hell, you dont even need to buy one. You probably have two, and you never use them. What are they? Those 44-ish-ounce plastic mugs that are nearly indestructible and available at any chain gas station. 

Make sure it has a lid that stays on, and you can kiss a month of buying bottled water on the road goodbye. Big enough for a bad hangover or an eight-hour trek with no stops, the Turbo Chug is a must have multi-use tool. It's microwave safe and easy to clean. 

Need cheap eats? Enter a gas station with a can of soup. Cook your soup in the microwave inside your Turbo Chug. Eat dinner out in front of the store like a horrible creeper. Go inside and use the hot water from the coffee maker to clean your Turbo Chug. Fill with ice and water. Inform the gas station attendant you're just getting water (99 times out of 100 they wont charge you), and bail.

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"There is a reason they drop this stuff out of planes to feed starving people."

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2: The Rice Cooker: Matt Hova from The Heat Machine came up with this one. Why? Because canned food/meals are loaded with sodium, just like the old standby, Pouch o' Ramen. Granted, you'll have to have a place to plug the thing in, but once you do, you're set. If you thought instant rice was cheap, wait until you see how much the non-instant stuff is. There is a reason they drop this stuff out of planes to feed starving people.

A little bit goes a long way, and for pennies! You can feed an entire band for a couple bucks. Plus, your rice cooker steams tasty food to perfection without so much as a stir from the cook. Add some frozen (cheap) or fresh (better tasting, but not as cheap) veggies, a little bit o' sauce, and you're in business. 

I got a kick out of watching Hova whip up rice concoctions at a show. Some band would be playing their guts out, and he'd be up at the bar, impervious, measuring water and rice into his dinner machine.

3. The Cooler: Having a cooler is a basic necessity for road living. No one wants to eat fast food all the time (or in my case, much at all). Even the dollar menu stuff gets pricey over time, and eating crap like that day in and day out on no sleep just makes your body hate you. Hence, the cooler. 

— Don't get a styrofoam cooler. Those things are for bait and non-serious travelers. We are professionals.

— Go big and get a decent-sized plastic one with a good top and a spout at the bottom to empty the water. Why? Because there will be a time when the venue gives you a brick of leftover water bottles or better yet, beer. It's nice to have them cool, even if its just a little bit.

— Buying ice every day will suck because it's pricey. Best bet: Shady motels have outdoor ice machines. Roll in, fill up and jet. Works like a charm.

— When the ice is gone, clean that thing inside and out. Do this every couple days or so, or risk unleashing the Worst Smell In The World in your vehicle on accident. A three-day-old rancid, water-logged cold cut combo can make your vehicle smell like puke for days with just an accidental crack of an infested cooler. Play it safe and keep it clean.

— Only keep cool what needs to be cool. Pretty simple: Crackers and jerky do not go in the cooler; all they do is funk up the water and take up space.

4. Mobile devices: Traveling is so damn easy anymore thanks to fancy smartphones. I don't have one now, but maybe I will in the next few years. Back when Internet deals on hotels were accessible only from a computer, our best trick was to roll up to a hotel, absorb some free Internet from the lobby on a laptop in the van, and book the cheapest two-person, two-bed room possible while having the band begin loading luggage. 

Send two people to the lobby to claim the room and the others around back. Meet at the room and get everyone in before the management notices. Boom, cheap room for the night.

Anymore, this can be done — without all the sneaky behavior — from an iPhone or similar device.  I always got a kick out of getting the 30-percent-off Internet special via the wireless signal from the hotel we were about to stay at. The cooler smartphones get, the more money they can help you save on the road, be it for lodging, coupons for food/drink or access to information that can help you save money. No need for a laptop anymore? Wild.

5. Smokers/drinkers: If you smoke or drink, traveling can be very expensive as smoking and drinking are expensive habits. If your travels take you through tobacco country, make sure you pick up a few extra decks for $3.50 a piece before you puke at the sight of $12 smokes in New York City. 

The south is obviously cheap smoke territory, but so is Missouri and Oklahoma. Reservations are a good call, too. No taxes mean cheaper cigarettes. Cheap cigarettes mean you smoke more and get hopelessly addicted, which is, of course, terrible. (This tip is kind of a win-lose sort of thing.)

If you want to get really cheap about it, roll your own. You already have hours on your ass every day in your van/vehicle. Why not roll your own and save a grip of cash? Jake's in Lincoln and Omaha has all the stuff you need, and so will nearly any smoke shop across the country.

They even have tubes with filters built in, and sell American Spirit tobacco. Not bad if you don't mind taking the time to do it yourself.

There are some easy ways to keep your fuel economy in the bearably pleasant range, so let's hit a few of them:

— Gas cards. Most bands have a "responsible" person. (S)he is the one who handles the money and the itinerary and isn't an alcoholic, or who maybe is but is better at pulling it off than the rest of the band. This person is the one who should get the gas card.

— A West Coast trip for one of my bands clocked in at a little more than four weeks. We went from Lincoln to El Paso to L.A. to Seattle and home. Total mileage was just less than 5,000 miles. For the sake of doing easy math, let's say our van got 20 miles per gallon.

At an average of $3.75 a gallon, the trip cost $937. Divided by the 30 days we played, we needed to make $31 a show just to break even. With a gas card, things are slightly different, but when the bill is approaching a grand, even a small percent can make a difference.

— BP has a gas card that pays you 5 percent back on all fuel purchases and double that for the first two months. Could your band use a free $93? You bet it could. Also, most gas cards are like credit cards — not pre-loaded with cash. When the dry spell hits — or the blizzard, you'll have cash for the hotel you desperately need and the food to fill your aching stomach.

7. Trailers: I know a lot of you guys out there like to size up bands by the size of their trailers or the quality of their gear, but you should know better by now. I once saw The Flatliners sonically dismantle the venue side of Duffy's as if it were made out of sugar glass, using what looked like solid-state crap gear they bought last-minute at the pawn shop. It was jaw-dropping.

My brain kept channeling the words "human chainsaw." They were about 19 years old at the time and heading out to join a tour with NOFX. So yeah, looks aren't everything.

With that in mind, ditch the giant trailer and borrow a small one, a tiny one. Because unless you really need a full stack and an array of smoke machines, that heavy, needless shit will kill your mileage and piss you off when you're digging through the trailer for a clean shirt. And if you don't need much space at all, screw the trailer and just cramp it.

Machete Archive tours in a minivan and gets nearly 30 miles a gallon. If they did the same tour as mentioned above, they would have come back with 300 extra bucks — $100 per person in their case. (Granted, they'd be sleeping on top of each other in the Walmart parking lot instead of stretched out on a van seat, but when you're that wasted, it doesn't really matter.)

8. Camping gear: A small tent takes up very little space and can be a hell of an asset when you really need one. Spring and fall tours can be extra fun when you can sleep outside in a sleeping bag and decompress in front of a fire. If you've been on tour before, your quality sleeping bag is already on your list of things to never forget, so why not make it easier to find lodging and bring the tent?

Most campsites will have a drop box for a five dollar bill if you are finding a campsite after dark.  That $5 is golden if you have a van full to the brim with no place to stretch out. Whip up a fire, pull out the whiskey and let it begin.

* Ramen sucks, but you can make it in a coffee pot if you really need hot food. Add veggies to combat the torture you are inflicting on your body. No microwave in your terrible hotel room? Make grilled cheese or peanut butter toast with an iron. (Wash that thing first.)

* Tired of wading through piles of spilled sunflower seeds on the floor of the van? Buy the giant re-sealable plastic jug. This way they stay fresh and won't spill when you kick them over trying to pee into a Gatorade bottle.

* If someone in your band has AAA, you all have AAA.

* Go shopping at the bulk store before you leave. Make sure to get non-perishables that everyone can eat. This is way cheaper than getting single-serving snacks at the grocery or gas station. Also, do not forget a can opener. Nothing is worse than hopelessly staring at a can of beans with no pop top while your stomach is eating itself.

* Attack the gas station: Gas stations that have roller dogs and other assorted shit food will also have piles of shit condiments and plastic forks, napkins and relishes for the taking. It's not stealing if you're buying gas, so fill those pockets. You may need to make a condiment sandwich later in the tour, and mustard and mayo can help a loaf of old bread like you wouldn't believe.

* Socks and Undies: Bring more than you need. Jungle rot is real and will ruin your feet/ass when a shower is a once-every-three-day ritual. Bring Gold Bond for the summer tours. No one likes putting it on, but cooling, soothing relief is paramount in a van with no AC.

* Use the facilities: If you're staying with a band that has a house/kitchen, offer to cook for the group when you can afford to. Spaghetti and salad feeds armies for cheap, and it's fun to cook with your friends.

Impress the household with your rice-cooking machine. Make loads of pancakes. A bag of potatoes makes tons of hash browns (provided you boil them up and grate them yourself), and eggs are cheap, too. Hell, sandwiches will suffice if your host is as poor as you are.

Do the dishes to say thank you for the floor space. If you leave in the morning before they wake up, leave them a humorous note or a record or two. Be remembered as the band that came, kicked ass, partied hard, cooked, cleaned and disappeared into the fucking wind.

* Leave your friends' house cleaner than you found it: Nothing screams asshole like leaving a mess for your host to clean after they already fed you and let you delouse yourself in their shower. Seriously. Do not be the asshole.

One final piece of advice

Be excellent to each other: Touring is amazingly fun but scary, too. It's stressful. It's expensive. It's total adventure. Be kind to those around you and try to deal with their moods and tendencies the best you can. Unless you've been added to the band last-minute to go on tour, you probably know your friends' buttons and when not to push them. Remember that. You might be the next one who needs a little understanding and compassion. Be the best person you can be and enjoy the ride. 

Nick Tarlowski is a member of The JV Allstars and Low Horse. Reach him at nickt@hearnebraska.org.